Work gets tucked away promptly at 5 pm and doesn't get opened up again until 8:30 am. I had to learn that when I worked at the vet clinic, when cases would get so emotional, so involved, so stressful, that I was no fun to be around after a long day of work. My job now is not emotional at all, just stressful. So, when 5 pm rolls around I lock up my desk, shut down my computer, tuck the stress away, and head on home to enjoy the evening before the cycle starts back up again.
Another nifty compartment of mine is my family. I love my family, I love spending time with them, love watching my nephew grow up, but I miss them. I feel like I miss out on a lot, my sister and her husband and little boy live 5 minutes from my parents, and my older brother lives close too, and for a long while my younger brother lived there too. When I first moved to SLO I was really homesick, so I packed up all those family feelings into a little box and I pull them out when I'm home and get to enjoy being with my family.
most recent family pic Christmas 2008
My brother gets his own compartment. He's by far one of my best friends, someone I always get along with, a person I can tell anything to, someone who is there 24 hours a day no matter what. Except for the fact he can't be there 24 hours a day, for the last year I wasn't even able to call him b/c he was in Korea. It took some extra effort on both of our parts to keep that friendship strong, and we both did all we could. When I left Elk Grove this weekend I started to get a little emotional, but just as soon as it hit, I packed up the tears and said enough is enough. My brother is currently driving to Georgia where he will be based for the next couple years. I've never been to Georgia, pretty excited to visit soon, maybe Charlie will get to go with me!
Boot camp/ MP Graduation January 2009
The biggest compartment I have, the one with the most emotions, and life, and memories packed into it is the one for Charlie. I was writing him yesterday and I realized just how numb I am to emotions right now. I don't let myself cry, I don't let myself think about the scary stuff, I don't worry, simply put, I'm not feeling anything this deployment. The one thing I do feel, the thing I allow myself to feel is his love. I try not to think about how much I miss him b/c it hurts, it physically hurts to miss him as much as I do. But his love is something I can feel every day, something that always makes me smile, something that can help me see through the fog. There are lots of happy memories in the Charlie file, and lots of happy stuff to come, but right now, getting through this deployment means there's a secondary Charlie compartment that houses all the scary emotional stuff, and that's just going to stay locked up till Charlie gets home.
Being goofy on the Toy Story ride at CA Adventure
I realize after writing and thinking about it, I'm fortunate to be able to compartmentalize, but that ability leaves me numb. When I really think about it, I see that those compartments are simply full of emotions that I don't want to deal with, feelings I don't want to accept, things I'd rather just not think about. Putting things away in little baskets helps keep me together, keeps my life all nice and tidy, but can they stay locked up forever?
Hi :) you don't know me, but I stumbled upon your blog while I was looking for a quote, which you happen to have as your headline. I started to read your blog and felt instantly connected to you. My boyfriend is in the army, currently in Afghanistan. This is our first deployment together as well, and it has definitely been a rollercoaster. Just wanted to leave you a note to let you know that you're not alone :)
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